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One of the things I take pride in is my ability to buy great gifts. So, as an early Christmas present to all of you, here are some tips to make your life easier this holiday season.
1. Paperbacks Are Lame
Books make great presents. They are thoughtful, cheap, and even if the person has no interest in them, they rarely get returned (Hot Tip: Write a meaningful inscription so they CAN’T take it back!). That being said, always buy hardcover books. Hardcover books have weight, they look better on a shelf, and they make it seem like you actually put some thought into the gift (you did, right?).
2. The Gag Gift Equation
In my youth my Dad set a 3 dollar limit for gag gifts. While this was acceptable for a child in the 80’s, times have changed. In my opinion, the notion of a hard gag gift limit is antiquated. If the gag is funny enough, I say the sky is the limit on what you should spend. That being said, there are a couple guidelines: First, the gag gift should never be the sole gift. It should be the amuse-bouche to the entrée of the main present. Second, while I set no concrete spending limits, I believe that a gag gift should cost no more than half the price of the main gift.
3. Returns? Not My Problem!
All of the stress of gift buying should stop at the time of purchase. If someone doesn’t like your gift, that is entirely their problem. If someone wants to return your gift, put up a fuss and say you lost the receipt. The only time it is okay to offer a receipt is in cases of duplication or defective merchandise. If the person continues being difficult, tell them that the store you bought it from has a liberal return policy and take pleasure in the fact that they are miserable waiting in a long post-christmas line while you are getting drunk on almost expired egg nog.
4. Couples Dynamics
When shopping for a couple, you are rarely shopping for the man. It’s almost impossible to buy something that both parties will enjoy equally (with the possible exception of consumables like food and wine), so when in doubt, just get something the woman will like. We live in a pretty patriarchal society, so don’t feel too bad for the man. By the way, the only exception to this rule is gay couples. (Bonus hint: I’ve never had to buy anything for a gay couple, but I would imagine they would like something that can be used at a party [example: campy chip and dip tray or karaoke machine]. They are a very festive people. )
5. Gift Wrapping
If you read the last tip, you know I’m a pretty enlightened guy. So, you know it is not out of sexism that I say: women are far better at gift wrapping than men. Do you know how many trees are killed every year due to gifts improperly wrapped by men? I would imagine a lot! This is why I either don’t wrap my gifts (I believe a good gift can stand on its own, sans wrapping), or I have my mom wrap my gifts for me. There is no shame in having your mom wrap your presents. As a general rule though, if your mom wraps your presents, you should spend 25% more on her present than everyone else’s; just don’t have her wrap that one (that’s your sister’s job).
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If you didn’t see the Daily Show last night, Jon Stewart interviewed Mike Huckabee and spoke about gay marriage. It’s odd to me that conservatives care so much about whether gay people can get married, and I think Jon Stewart articulated that better than anyone else could.
P.S. On a somewhat related note, I’d like to say how much I love Hulu. I watched the Daily Show, then went to the Hulu website and found the episode, trimmed it down to the relevant clip, and posted it. It is truly a wonderful time to be alive! Why should I even create my own content anymore, when it’s so easy to just post stuff I like on TV.
Update, the hulu link died, so I guess it isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread (but still pretty great). Fortunately, thedailyshow.com has all of their past shows up in the archives. Still a very relevant clip.
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For those wondering, the world doesn’t seem as friendly as it did the last time I posted. I’ve had all of my wisdom teeth removed since the election, and I think my liberal idealism was housed in my mandibular third molars. Also, there was a terrorist attack in Mumbai, the economy is still tanking, and I was not chosen to be Paris Hilton’s BFF…
Now to business…
After asking absolutely no one except myself, I have decided to banish all of the Twitter posts from the main page. I feel that they were kind of distracting and drew focus away from my longer posts full of witty repartee (like this one). I will still post on twitter and you can read my various pearls of 140 character wisdom by clicking on the new menu link labeled “Twitter” or by visiting my actual Twitter page (www.twitter.com/davegreenrocks).
Does this mean I’m going to be writing more long-form posts? Well, I wouldn’t get your hopes up, but you never know. I’m thinking about dumping my cable soon, so perhaps I’ll be more inspired to blog (or write letters to Jodie Foster).
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Random Haiku