The Dave Green Zone

I don’t think people should review movies they haven’t seen, but I’m going to make a one time exception. Here is my review of “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen”:

Horrible.

I guess I could be wrong, but I know I’m not; movies like this are an insult to our collective intelligence. I know it’s escapist fun, but if we keep watching movies we know are going to be bad, then they’ll just keep making bad movies. So let’s put an end to it right now and refuse to pay 10 dollars to see a 300 million dollar toy commercial!

(Editor’s note: I do feel bad about unleashing the power of the Dave Green Zone on Transformers 2. Now it will probably end up losing a bunch of money and go straight to DVD. I’m sorry for any financial losses, but I could no longer keep quiet.)

One of the things I take pride in is my ability to buy great gifts. So, as an early Christmas present to all of you, here are some tips to make your life easier this holiday season.

1. Paperbacks Are Lame

Books make great presents. They are thoughtful, cheap, and even if the person has no interest in them, they rarely get returned (Hot Tip: Write a meaningful inscription so they  CAN’T take it back!). That being said, always buy hardcover books. Hardcover books have weight, they look better on a shelf, and they make it seem like you actually put some thought into the gift (you did, right?).

2. The Gag Gift Equation

In my youth my Dad set a 3 dollar limit for gag gifts. While this was acceptable for a child in the 80’s, times have changed. In my opinion, the notion of a hard gag gift limit is antiquated.   If the gag is funny enough, I say the sky is the limit on what you should spend. That being said, there are a couple guidelines: First, the gag gift should never be the sole gift. It should be the amuse-bouche to the entrée of the main present. Second, while I set no concrete spending limits, I believe that a gag gift should cost no more than half the price of the main gift.

3. Returns? Not My Problem!

All of the stress of gift buying should stop at the time of purchase. If someone doesn’t like your gift, that is entirely their problem. If someone wants to return your gift, put up a fuss and say you lost the receipt. The only time it is okay to offer a receipt is in cases of duplication or defective merchandise. If the person continues being difficult, tell them that the store you bought it from has a liberal return policy and take pleasure in the fact that they are miserable waiting in a long post-christmas line while you are getting drunk on almost expired egg nog.

4. Couples Dynamics

When shopping for a couple, you are rarely shopping for the man. It’s almost impossible to buy something that both parties will enjoy equally (with the possible exception of consumables like food and wine), so when in doubt, just get something the woman will like. We live in a pretty patriarchal society, so don’t feel too bad for the man. By the way, the only exception to this rule is gay couples. (Bonus hint: I’ve never had to buy anything for a gay couple, but I would imagine they would like something that can be used at a party [example: campy chip and dip tray or karaoke machine]. They are a very festive people. )

5. Gift Wrapping

If you read the last tip, you know I’m a pretty enlightened guy. So, you know it is not out of sexism that I say: women are far better at gift wrapping than men. Do you know how many trees are killed every year due to gifts improperly wrapped by men? I would imagine a lot! This is why I either don’t wrap my gifts (I believe a good gift can stand on its own, sans wrapping), or I have my mom wrap my gifts for me. There is no shame in having your mom wrap your presents. As a general rule though, if your mom wraps your presents, you should spend 25% more on her present than everyone else’s; just don’t have her wrap that one (that’s your sister’s job).

If you didn’t see the Daily Show last night, Jon Stewart interviewed Mike Huckabee and spoke about gay marriage. It’s odd to me that conservatives care so much about whether gay people can get married, and I think Jon Stewart articulated that better than anyone else could.

P.S. On a somewhat related note, I’d like to say how much I love Hulu. I watched the Daily Show, then went to the Hulu website and found the episode, trimmed it down to the relevant clip, and posted it. It is truly a wonderful time to be alive! Why should I even create my own content anymore, when it’s so easy to just post stuff I like on TV.

Update, the hulu link died, so I guess it isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread (but still pretty great). Fortunately, thedailyshow.com has all of their past shows up in the archives. Still a very relevant clip.

I haven’t used a phonebook in over 10 years; though, I don’t know if prank calling an adult bookstore when I was 16 even counts as “using” a phonebook. Phonebooks are obsolete and a horrible drain on our natural resources. So, why can’t I throw them away?

I think it’s something I learned from my parents. Growing up, we never threw away phonebooks. We always had great stacks of them in various places throughout the house. They would’ve been really handy if we ever needed to call someone new, but we never did. I’m pretty sure that when we moved, rather than parting with our precious phonebooks, we packed them up and took them with us. In fact, I bet if you look in my parents’ garage, you can still find several boxes of mint condition Garland phonebooks from the mid-1980’s.

I guess, by nature of their sheer bulk, phonebooks seem vaguely important. Why would they print millions of these gargantuan books and have them distributed door to door if they were meant to be thrown away? I know phonebooks are woefully antiquated, but I do give them some respect. I bring them into my apartment and drop them in a pile by the door. After a few weeks, I might trip on them when I’m in a hurry and rant about how they shouldn’t even make these things anymore.

People can’t tell the difference anymore between a muffin and a cupcake. A muffin used to be something made out of bran that didn’t taste great, but it filled you up. A cupcake, on the other hand, was something you’d get at a birthday party. It wasn’t good for you, but it made you happy.

Nowadays, they make all sorts of sweet muffins that are basically just cupcakes without icing. They only call them muffins because you’re supposed to eat them for breakfast. Eating a cupcake for breakfast doesn’t make it a muffin! If you want to eat a cupcake, I say enjoy, but don’t try to allay your guilt by calling it a muffin. Don’t try to pretend that your chocolate chocolate chip muffin is part of a balanced nutritious breakfast, because it’s not!

What’s next? “Oh no, this isn’t a donut, it’s just a sweet glazed bagel filled with custard!” Well friends, I’m drawing a line in the sand right now! From now on, if I see anyone eating a muffin that in any way resembles a cupcake I will totally say “man, that cupcake sure looks good!”

P.S. I just got a new microphone, so as a test, I recorded an audio version of this post as well (see below). I hope you enjoy.

 

 I'm Making a Stand! [1:07m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

I’m not ashamed to admit that I love television. Unfortunately though, television as we know it is dying fast. Due to the writers strike, all of the shows I care about are ending for the foreseeable future. We’ll soon be inundated with reruns, reality shows, game shows, and other crap the networks have stockpiled. I’ve already subscribed to Netflix and have considered reading, but that’s all just polishing the brass on the Titanic. Movies and books are great, but they’ll never replace the magic of television. So, while I support the writers in their quest for a piece of sweet Internet revenue pie, I hope that they come to a speedy conclusion. After all, it is the lonely geeks who suffer the most.

Well, it is December and the Christmas season is now in full swing, but this year I’ve chosen not participate. I will be cordial. If someone says “Merry Christmas Dave”, I won’t leave them hanging. I will buy Christmas presents for everyone I expect to get presents from, and I will go to my parent’s house for the family Christmas party, but I only do those things because I’m obligated to.

It’s just that I feel like I am being forced to be in a festive mood, which I am really starting to resent this year. For example, when I went to the grocery store the other day, they had Christmas trees out front, so the entrance had a nice pine smell. Then inside, they had all sorts of Christmas decorations and Christmas music playing, and I was kind of going into a Christmas trance. That was when I realized though, that it was all just elaborate industrial psychology designed to make me lose my shopping inhibitions and buy more stuff. Nice try Kroger, I’m on to you.

Also, it is really tough to feel Christmassy when it is unseasonably warm. Here in Texas we’ve been having record high temperatures. It was in the 70’s today. The weather, for me, just underscores the fact that the Christmas season is starting way too early. Some stores put out Christmas decorations along with the Halloween stuff. If it were jacket weather, I might have let early Christmas slip by, but not anymore. I believe the eventual goal is to have some kind of perverse society where we celebrate Christmas every day (see: Nightmare Before Christmas). Thanksgiving is already starting to be completely eclipsed by “Black Friday”. I know someone who skipped having a nice meal at home with his family to wait in line at Best Buy! Why enjoy time with your family when you can buy a $200 sucky laptop?

I don’t hate Christmas, but I am definitely having some problems with it this year, and I think it would be best for both of us if we spent some time apart. Hopefully, after some time, we will reconcile. Or, maybe I will be visited by three ghosts and see the error of my ways. Until either of those things happens, though, I will be sitting this Christmas out.

P.S. Feel free to call the Dave Green Hotline (210-767-DAVE) to leave your comments or holiday messages.

I recently learned that there are people my age that still go trick or treating. Apparently, they are trying to recapture some childhood memories by going door to door begging for candy. Quit it! If our generation ever wants to be taken seriously, we need to grow up. When they were our age, our grandfathers didn’t wear costumes to beg for candy; they wore costumes to kill Nazis! I am normally a pacifist, but I think we should reinstate the draft for anyone over 18 that is still trick or treating. Obviously, if you have time to scrounge for free candy, you have time to hunt for Osama Bin Laden.

According to J.K. Rowling, Albus Dumbledore was gay. This admission is a bold move. She is not exactly loved by the right-wing types, and now she says: “Oh, by the way, one of my most beloved characters…he’s gay!” You’ve got to admire her gumption. She has no real reason to make the character gay. Conceivably, she might even lose money because homophobes won’t buy her books. I, however, do not care. We have to remember that Albus Dumbledore was the greatest wizard EVER. He was kind and compassionate. He believed in love and equality, and (Spoiler Alert!) gave his life to save the rest of the wizarding world. It is because of this that so many people will be outraged. Our society is hesitant to accept a gay hero; though, this could be a step in the right direction. People already love Dumbledore, so hopefully they will realize that his sexual orientation is not that important. Perhaps one day we will not judge a man by which way his wang swings (even if it weirds us out a little), but by the content of his character!

P.S. If this story has any traction (which I am guessing it will), here is what you can expect in the next few days: Outrage from Christians, book burnings/boycotts, and bad jokes about Dumbledore and Senator Larry Craig and/or bad jokes about Dumbledore in “Brokeback Mountain”.

I saw this kid the other day (he must have been 12 years old) wearing a shirt that said “Arrest Me! I prayed in Sunday school!” The shirt was an obvious protest to what he (or most likely his parents) believe to be the systematic dissolution of religion by the secular state. It was also one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen. No one is arguing anyone’s right to pray in Sunday school. No one is even arguing anyone’s right to pray silently everywhere they go. Where we have to draw the line is when people want to push their religions on everyone else. These Christians aren’t fighting for religious tolerance, they’re fighting for their right to proselytize in school. They don’t care if Muslims are allowed to pray, just as long as they can have a daily reminder over the PA that they are right and everyone else is going to hell. I should have yelled all of this to the kid, but I am far too polite. Hopefully he reads this, then reads some Richard Dawkins, then becomes an atheist.