The Dave Green Zone

I don’t think people should review movies they haven’t seen, but I’m going to make a one time exception. Here is my review of “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen”:

Horrible.

I guess I could be wrong, but I know I’m not; movies like this are an insult to our collective intelligence. I know it’s escapist fun, but if we keep watching movies we know are going to be bad, then they’ll just keep making bad movies. So let’s put an end to it right now and refuse to pay 10 dollars to see a 300 million dollar toy commercial!

(Editor’s note: I do feel bad about unleashing the power of the Dave Green Zone on Transformers 2. Now it will probably end up losing a bunch of money and go straight to DVD. I’m sorry for any financial losses, but I could no longer keep quiet.)

What follows is the first act of my 5 minute space opera. Is this the work of a genius, or just a weirdo noodling with the vocoder in his newly procured copy of logic express? Only time will tell. Needless to say it is a bit of a departure from my previous works.

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To Be Continued…

My Internet empire has just gotten one domain name larger. I am now the proud owner of gothicsurfers.com. Hopefully I’ll figure out something to do with it. Ideally, I think I want to use it as a repository for my weirdness (separate from my blog). So go check it out, and consider the new A Capella version of NUOF posted there a welcome gift from me to you.

My internal informal polling shows that a lot of davegreenzone.com readers also read the popular weblog icanhascheezburger.com (sic). Personally, I don’t think it’s funny at all. Adorable pictures of cats saying unusual things with bad spelling and grammar? Frankly, the appeal escapes me, but there’s no denying it’s a genuine internet phenomenon. It is therefore no surprise that I have decided to jump on this particular (lucrative!) internet bandwagon. So, please enjoy the first of many “LOLDaves” that will appear here from time to time. I know you will probably come to enjoy them much more than the cat pictures, as these will be written with that patented Dave Green wit that you’ve become accustomed to over the past couple years. Also, I think they’ll be pretty “easy on the eyes”, if I do say so myself. So without further adieu, hilarity:

One of the things I take pride in is my ability to buy great gifts. So, as an early Christmas present to all of you, here are some tips to make your life easier this holiday season.

1. Paperbacks Are Lame

Books make great presents. They are thoughtful, cheap, and even if the person has no interest in them, they rarely get returned (Hot Tip: Write a meaningful inscription so they  CAN’T take it back!). That being said, always buy hardcover books. Hardcover books have weight, they look better on a shelf, and they make it seem like you actually put some thought into the gift (you did, right?).

2. The Gag Gift Equation

In my youth my Dad set a 3 dollar limit for gag gifts. While this was acceptable for a child in the 80’s, times have changed. In my opinion, the notion of a hard gag gift limit is antiquated.   If the gag is funny enough, I say the sky is the limit on what you should spend. That being said, there are a couple guidelines: First, the gag gift should never be the sole gift. It should be the amuse-bouche to the entrée of the main present. Second, while I set no concrete spending limits, I believe that a gag gift should cost no more than half the price of the main gift.

3. Returns? Not My Problem!

All of the stress of gift buying should stop at the time of purchase. If someone doesn’t like your gift, that is entirely their problem. If someone wants to return your gift, put up a fuss and say you lost the receipt. The only time it is okay to offer a receipt is in cases of duplication or defective merchandise. If the person continues being difficult, tell them that the store you bought it from has a liberal return policy and take pleasure in the fact that they are miserable waiting in a long post-christmas line while you are getting drunk on almost expired egg nog.

4. Couples Dynamics

When shopping for a couple, you are rarely shopping for the man. It’s almost impossible to buy something that both parties will enjoy equally (with the possible exception of consumables like food and wine), so when in doubt, just get something the woman will like. We live in a pretty patriarchal society, so don’t feel too bad for the man. By the way, the only exception to this rule is gay couples. (Bonus hint: I’ve never had to buy anything for a gay couple, but I would imagine they would like something that can be used at a party [example: campy chip and dip tray or karaoke machine]. They are a very festive people. )

5. Gift Wrapping

If you read the last tip, you know I’m a pretty enlightened guy. So, you know it is not out of sexism that I say: women are far better at gift wrapping than men. Do you know how many trees are killed every year due to gifts improperly wrapped by men? I would imagine a lot! This is why I either don’t wrap my gifts (I believe a good gift can stand on its own, sans wrapping), or I have my mom wrap my gifts for me. There is no shame in having your mom wrap your presents. As a general rule though, if your mom wraps your presents, you should spend 25% more on her present than everyone else’s; just don’t have her wrap that one (that’s your sister’s job).

If you didn’t see the Daily Show last night, Jon Stewart interviewed Mike Huckabee and spoke about gay marriage. It’s odd to me that conservatives care so much about whether gay people can get married, and I think Jon Stewart articulated that better than anyone else could.

P.S. On a somewhat related note, I’d like to say how much I love Hulu. I watched the Daily Show, then went to the Hulu website and found the episode, trimmed it down to the relevant clip, and posted it. It is truly a wonderful time to be alive! Why should I even create my own content anymore, when it’s so easy to just post stuff I like on TV.

Update, the hulu link died, so I guess it isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread (but still pretty great). Fortunately, thedailyshow.com has all of their past shows up in the archives. Still a very relevant clip.

For those wondering, the world doesn’t seem as friendly as it did the last time I posted. I’ve had all of my wisdom teeth removed since the election, and I think my liberal idealism was housed in my mandibular third molars. Also, there was a terrorist attack in Mumbai, the economy is still tanking, and I was not chosen to be Paris Hilton’s BFF…

Now to business…

After asking absolutely no one except myself, I have decided to banish all of the Twitter posts from the main page. I feel that they were kind of distracting and drew focus away from my longer posts full of witty repartee (like this one). I will still post on twitter and you can read my various pearls of 140 character wisdom by clicking on the new menu link labeled “Twitter” or by visiting my actual Twitter page (www.twitter.com/davegreenrocks).

Does this mean I’m going to be writing more long-form posts? Well, I wouldn’t get your hopes up, but you never know. I’m thinking about dumping my cable soon, so perhaps I’ll be more inspired to blog (or write letters to Jodie Foster).

It’s so weird to actually feel good on the night of a Presidential election. Tomorrow we’ll get back to business as usual, but just for tonight, I want to stop being cynical and enjoy what just happened. Tonight the world seems like a friendlier place, and while I don’t think it will stay that way for long, I’m glad I’m experiencing it.

</sappiness>

I just hope our new President doesn’t fuck things up any worse.

This is a review my sister wrote about my previous piece “Visual Haiku”. I think it’s pretty good (and accurate):

David Green’s “Visual Haiku” was created in late 2008 as a response to criticism of his controversial “Fingerless Turkey”.  While damaging to Green’s ego, it is apparent that the constructive commentary attributed greatly to the evolution of  his work.  The simple yet dynamic pen and ink drawing exudes humor while still challenging the viewer intellectually.

Beginning from the top of the piece, we see “Visual Haiku” hastily written on the work itself.  The incorporation of the title lends to the child like nature consistent in the artist’s oevre . One could also perceive this as a dry jab communicating to the audience “You are not smart enough to get the joke on the on your own”. The actual letters are short and haughty as if their inclusion were an after thought. This differs greatly in comparison to the images below the heading which are almost too carefully drawn making the line quality jagged and varied.

The visual organization consists of a sequence of dancing numbers representing the syllabic pattern of a Japanese haiku. Working from left to right the viewer sees the first number five. The five has a smile on its face and appears to be happy though one eye is slightly larger than the other and his right arm is detached from his body. Connected to the five in an entanglement of fingers is the number seven.  This could  be considered the focal point of the drawing as his feet  contradict the direction of the other two numbers and his body is slightly turned toward the viewer to provide depth.
The last five, pulling the other two numbers to the edge of the paper,  is much thinner than the first. This final number is a positive departure from Green’s style. The movement demonstrated by the upward angled feet and the determined guiding arm is typical of someone emerging from the pre-schematic stage of drawing development.

The overall composition of David Green’s “Visual Haiku” mirrors the sparse, unrhythmic pattern of the Japanese poem. The viewer is able to see three different yet similar elements come together to form a poetic melding that is organic in nature but confined within boundaries.

My response in haiku form:

You art critics are
like literary critics
without the reading…

A certain person expressed some dissatisfaction with the quality of my previous drawings. I do respect this person’s opinion, because despite his or her shortcomings, he or she knows good art; after all, this person did spend like 8 years getting a bachelors degree in art history. With that in mind, I worked very hard on this next piece. I hope you enjoy it.

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